What was I thinking?

I, unfortunately, do not have the greatest memory when it comes to conversations.  I can remember the gist of what was said but not word for word like so many people.  I would suck as a witness for a crime or being on a jury as my mind wanders off.  I am terrible in arguments because I can never recall what was said and I never have a comeback.  I always wanted to be able to say, "Oh yeah, well, do you remember when you said..." but I never remember what was said so I just give in most of the time. 
 
I can however, remember the most profound things ever said to me and rely on them constantly as positives memories during low times and those periods of sadness or inspiration in times of reflection.

•  I remember the first time Lennie said to me, "I love you."  It was in my parents sun room in 1989 and it was wonderful.  I knew that I loved him the minute I met him but it took him a little longer - anyone who knows me knows that I take a little getting use to and a while to figure out.  I grew on him :)
• I remember Bill Parteger, a basketball coach told me, "You have potential".  I was in grade 7, really awkward and looking for my place in the world.  I got invited to this cool basketball camp at St. Lawrence PS and met Bill.  I didn't even know what potential meant and my dad had to explain it to me but I remember thinking that someone finally thinks I have a talent.  Bill coached me into high school and to this day regard him as the kindest, most generous teacher I ever had.
• I remember a student telling me, "I hate you." and another who said, "I would rather die than be in your class." during very difficult times in their lives and their words taught me that kindness and patience with my students is my only job 100% of the time.
• I remember my friend Brewer's words to me last summer, "The opposite of shame is forgiveness."  I often recall these words when I am feeling so low or guilt ridden as they have brought me much clarity in my life.
• I remember Dr. Graham from Althouse college calling me in 2006 to say, "You have been awarded the Associate Teacher award of Excellence."  I remember thinking that I had finally brought pride to my family as a teacher.
• I recall Dr. Nicols' words on February 15, 2011 when he shared, "Your tumor was a cancerous one." Best thing that ever happened to me.  So happy it happened to me and not Lennie, my family or friends as I am a better patient than supporter.  I also needed the wind knocked out of my sails for a while to really remember what is important in life. 

So here is the big problem. 

Dr. Rachinski, my endocrinologist, back in May, when asked if I will be able to run a marathon again told me, "Sure you can run one but you will not be able to perform like before."  What?  Perform like before?  I sucked before and I am going to be worst!!!!!!  Arggggg I can't be any slower.  I decided in June that I would "show her" and worked really hard the past 12 weeks. 

This past weekend was really important as we had a 32km run on our schedule.  We decide to participate in the Runner's Choice group run in which you run from Lambeth to Port Stanley.  Last year, we completed this run and I wrote a blog reflecting on my success.  I remember feeling so strong (having just returned from 3 weeks at Fitness Ridge probably helped too)  http://catherinegoestofitnessridge.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-can-actually-run.html

Well, it sucked and it took me 4:55 to complete the same distance that I covered in 4:24 last year.  Holy smokes, at this rate I will never finish Chicago in 6:30 nor hit my goal of 5:59 or my project 43 plan (take 43 minutes off my time from last year).  Last weekend's 30km race didn't help either since it took me longer to complete that race than my 30km Chicago time. 

The whole run as I started to really feel tired (and mostly hungry) I could hear Dr. Rachinski's words in my head, "you won't be able to perform as before, you won't be able to perform as before."  Shut up!!! But I couldn't crack the words.  They wouldn't leave my mind. 

I know what you are going to say..it's only a Sunday run, you were hungry, you still have 5 weeks to go... blah blah blah.  To me, the words are stuck.

So tough that running is 90% mental.  Even having 3 surgeries this year, I have run over 1000km and my mind has tested me for every single one of them.  What was I thinking!!?!

Midsummer Night's Run recap

Yesterday I completed a 30km race in Toronto.   Lish, Lindsay, Angela, Gillian, Scott, Camille, Madeline, Erin, Kelli, Meagan all participated too for a total of 834 runners coming to Toronto at 5:30pm to compete in this interesting run.  There was also a 15km run that started at 6:45pm.

Many people were dressed in fairy costumes, wings, halos of thorns or just plain weird Shakespearean inspired outfits. 

This was the longest run for me since October and our training for this week called for a 30km run so it worked perfectly into our plans.  I have not being running well on my long Sunday runs and was a tad worried about being pulled off the course.  They had a strict 3 hour 22.5km limit and then a 3:15 limit for 24.5km.  I knew my training did not have me being able to meet those goals so I worried for the past 5 weeks about getting embarrassed as some police officer drove me to the finish line without being able to finish. 

Lish and Lindsay completed this race last year and they loved it.  They also love the 30km distance so I knew that I would like it to.  I worked hard the past couple of weeks to get all my training runs in and to hit some time goals.  Lennie even came with me on a tempo run to help me go faster.  I have never competed in a 30km race before so I didn't have a time to beat but my marathon 30km time was 4:24 so I knew that I needed to better than.  Unfortunately, last weekend's 28km was about that same time so I really was worried about being in the 4:30 time zone and last (compared to last year's finishing times.)

We drove together to Toronto (after a great carb loading the night before at Spaghetti Eddies with the hubbies) and arrived at Lish's brother's house.  It was perfect as we were able to relax and get ready.  We drove to the shuttle parking lot and caught a shuttle to the park and picked up our bids and gift bags.  We walked to see the few vendors and then relaxed in the park as we caught up with our other running friends. 

I really wanted to focus on being comfortable, try out my new shoes and compression socks and see how I am progressing with 7 weeks until Chicago.  I was going to focus, hit the route hard, stay a consistent pace and finish strong.

30km route map for Midsummer Night's Run 2011

The start line was not too crowded and at 5:30pm the gun went off.  My goal was to beat 4:30 but I really wanted to hit 4:15 but secretly wanted 4:00 which meant a 8:00/km pace.  It was hot! Humid! And fast!

I was surprised how fast everyone was and when we hit the first out and back I could see that I was already at the very end with only about 20 runners behind me.  After the first 3km I was 10th from the end.  Geez! another race where I am at the back.  I hit the first 8km in 1:03 and thought, this is my 8:00km pace and not going to worry about the fact that there are not other turtles doing this race.  I wanted to finish and feel good. 

I hit the 10km at 1:20 and then all of a sudden got caught by 1000 runners speeding passed me because the 15km race had started and were on a similar route to us.  Well, at least I have someone to run with now.  As we entered and exited the first big park we saw everyone coming and going and made the race fun to watch who was doing well and who was walking (I wasn't). But, the road turned to sand around a lighthouse corner and then gravel road for a km.  Tough stuff. I hit 20km in another 1:30 - cool still on MY pace.

It started to get dark and I hit the 21km timer chip thingy and it was 3:00 hours.  Was I going to get pulled off the course?  Hope not as I am feeling good and sticking to MY plan.  The 15km race people did a sharp turn to the left to get to the finish line and I entered another park for the final 8km.  As I entered the park I saw a group of volunteers coming to towards me and I thought "Shit, they are telling me I am done." Instead one of the them offered me water (the station before had run out) and said to me to get going as I only had 7.5km to go - SWEET.  I saw my friend Amanda in the park cheering everyone on then Angela coming back along with Scott and Camille in the home stretch.  As I approached the 23km marker a girl said "hey, I follow your blog" and realized it was Cynthia - she was on her way back and doing great.  It was now pitch black and I was entering one scary park.  I had a flashing light that I wore and was happy that I did as it made it easier for the volunteers to see me and show me where to go. 

The park kind of sucked as it was so dark that you could not see where you were going and for 2km you had to run on a boardwalk (wooden planks).  I was totally worried that I would fall.  It was over before I knew it and I was heading back at the 27km marker.  That is where it happen.  Something I have never done before...I passed 2 people.  Seriously, I passed people.  I didn't look at my watch but I could see people entering the park and thought for sure I was not going to be last. 

I hit the 28km marker then the 29km marker and passed 2 more people.  I could hear Lish ahead yelling my name and knew she said she would come back and get me at the finish.  I gave her my water belt and cranked out the last km at lightning speed (my lightning speed), passed a couple more people and crossed the line.  I felt great.  No pain, no worries, not last.  So, I clicked my watch to see what my time was and I saw 4:22 - what??? that is crappy!!!  Seriously, 4:22!!!! only 2 minutes faster than Chicago.  That is a 8:44 pace and I could have gone so much faster if...if...if... if it wasn't dark, lonely, scary and inconsistent terrain.  If, if, if, if.

Lish and Lindsay got me some water, picked up my bag, took some photos and we hit the shuttle back to the car.  Lindsay drove us back to Lish's brothers, we ordered a pizza, showered and chatted till midnight when we all went to bed.  We checked out the race results and commented on everyone's performance (I finished 811/834).  Lish killed it with a 2:55 and Lindsay with her 3:06. 

Then the bad news.  The girls shared (and many people on Twitter/Daily Mile) that the course was 600m SHORT.  Short, are you kidding me?  That means I would have been slower than Chicago. Again, I am not happy. 

Anyways, the medal is gorgeous and hanging with my others proud and tall.  My bib is on the wall of accomplishments in the laundry room.  I feel perfect today with no pain and very little tightness.  I think the compression socks really helped along with the shoes and orthotics.  This may mean that the last 12km in 7 weeks should be better than last year and may lead to a better time.  5:59 is what I want and am going to make happen!

Fingers crossed.

The Bucket List #42 stroked!

Many years ago my husband discovered this awesome group of guys from Victoria, Canada that had a website http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Buried_Life.  They were really funny guys who created a list of 100 things they wanted to do before they died. 

Lennie and I both sat down and started to create our own "bucket lists" and as I was creating mine, I started to feel depressed.  Holy smokes did I have a lot of dreams, stuff to do and felt that overwhelming doom feeling.  So, I decided to make a 2 column chart. One column of all the stuff I wanted to do before I died and a second column of all the cool stuff I had already accomplished.  I promised myself that for every thing I added to column A, I needed to balance out the other side.  And so the list was created.  I make sure I revisit my list from time to time to update, change and check it out.

My favourite entry was the "run a marathon" one because after I completed the Chicago marathon last October I opened up my list to add it to the completed side not even realizing that I actually had set it as a goal in Column A.  I thought at the time of the list creation that I would NEVER be able to accomplish something like that and there it was, in column A - now in column B :)

Last weekend, after 18 years of listening to their music and following their careers, I got to stroke #42 off my list - "Meet the Backstreet Boys".  I had seen them in concert many times and but my real love of them started Christmas 2001 when my husband bought me their CD and had taped tickets to their Toronto concert to the back of the package.  I screamed like a 12 year old girl, called my teaching friend Sue (another 30 year old lover of BSB) and told her Lennie got me 2 tickets and I wanted to take her.  We went and ever since then, I have loved loved love them and followed their every move. 

In order to get my bucket list item to come true I needed to somehow get up close and personal with them.  This summer they were on tour with New Kids on the Block and were touring all over North America.  The closest city to us was Toronto so Lindsay, Lish and I got tickets to see them in June and we had a great night.  But, Lindsay texted me to say they added some dates and London was on the list as their last concert date.  Man, seeing them twice in one year sweet but it was sold out and I missed the ticket sales - Lindsay's dad surprised her and her sister with a pair so I needed Lennie to once again come through and he did.  He called some of his buds and got me a GREAT ticket.  I was so excited. 

Then, Lindsay shared with me that they have this cool thing called VIP passes where you get to go behind the scenes, have a sound check party and get a picture with the band.  Fantastic!!!! BUT!!!  It is really expensive and there was no way I could spend that amount of money to meet BSB, I would be the laughing stock of everyone. 

I thought and thought about it and a couple of days before the show in London, I decided that since we didn't do any big trips this summer that this would be my treat to myself .  Lindsay and I purchased tickets to the VIP event they were holding here in London before their final concert of the NKOTBSB tour.

For years, I had worshipped these guys and had survived years of mocking from my friends and colleagues (I have their poster up in my office at work and past concert tickets, pins and articles).  There was no way I was going to miss out to meet them and get a picture taken.  Even though I had crappy hair right now and am looking a tad run down from some of the summer's treatment stuff, I bit the bullet and went to the event. 

What a riot! It was a dream come true.  I had no idea what to expect from this kind of thing and Lindsay and I seemed to be the only ones who had never attended this kind of event before.  I thought I was a mega fan but these other 75 people were crazy!

As we entered the JLC they had 5 rows of chair set up and Lindsay and I with our gold VIP passes were placed in the 3rd row with the mic stands right in front of us - could it be that they would be 6 feet in front of us?  Lindsay and I had attended their last tour in London too with 10th row tickets but this was SO close. 

All of a sudden the Backstreet Boys came out one a time and I seriously was freaked out.  They were right there and were normal.  They sang, talked to us, laughed, told us about the final show and answered questions from the crowd.  Then, we lined up and had the opportunity to meet them, shake their hands and get a photo.  Again, they were so normal.  It is weird to meet people you have only seen from afar or through your TV for years and realize they are just people, with families and working like us.  I got a great photo and Lindsay and I were one cloud nine for the rest of the night. 

  

I came home from the concert and VIP day and immediately stroked this item off my bucket list.  Of all the stuff I have done, including the marathon, this was really the funnest one.  Thrilled to have done it with a mega fan like Lindsay and to have the photo posted up at work to really be mocked now makes me VERY VERY proud to be a lifelong BSB fan.  (it is also now my computer screen saver at work and home :)

I am just thrilled to be able to say to my former students who I told I would meet the Backstreet Boys one day that I did and if they work hard enough and dream big enough that they too will have their bucket list items stroked off.  But, it starts with making one.  What is on your list?